


Gardening 101

by Jencala



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Banter, F/M, Friendship, Gay Male Character, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Sexual Humor, Teasing, gay relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-04 07:53:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18339359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jencala/pseuds/Jencala
Summary: “Now that we’ve effectively scarred Wormy for life, let’s get back to the original topic.  Just how far have you gotten with Red?”“Why does it matter?”“It doesn’t.” Sirius admitted nonchalantly. “I’m just insatiably curious.”





	Gardening 101

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a silly conversation and somehow morphed into an almost 2k word bantering session with the Marauders. There is zero plot, just my favorite boys being goofy and teasing each other. It helped cure my writer's block so sorry not sorry? I hope you enjoy it.

                                                                                      

 

 

James sauntered into the dorm after a date with Lily, a dreamy look on his face. He threw himself down on his bed, completely ignoring the other Marauders, his hands behind his head, sighing happily as he stared up at the overhead canopy.

Sirius watched James with an amused smirk as he laid across Remus’ bed with his head in his boyfriend’s lap while he read a novel,.  “Good date, Prongsie?”

“So good.” James sighed dreamily again. “Have I ever mentioned I’m absolutely in love with that beautiful woman?”

Peter snorted from his bed on the other side of James. “Once or twice, I reckon.”

Sirius was loathe to move from his current position, thoroughly enjoying the way Remus’ fingers were gently carding through his long hair, but his desire to tease James was hard to ignore.  He sat up and compromised moving behind his boyfriend and wrapping himself around him to still feel his warmth and not disturb Moony’s reading. Much.

“You’ve been dating for over a month now and she hasn’t gotten sick of you yet, Prongs.”  Sirius goaded, his chin resting on Moony’s shoulder.

James rolled his eyes. “You think I’d do anything to piss her off after it took me this long to agree to go out with me, Pads?”

Sirius grinned. “So what you’re saying is you still haven’t made it past a snog then.”

Remus caught the pillow James threw their way, barely glancing up from his book.  “Behave children,” he teased, a smile playing along his lips as he set the pillow down and turned another page.

“A gentleman never kisses and tells, Padfoot.” James admonished, his sly grin belying the severity of his tone.

“I wanted to shout it from the astronomy tower after Moony and I shagged the first time!”  

James’ grin widened. “I did say _gentleman_ , didn’t I?”

“Oi!” Sirius grabbed the pillow from Remus and threw it back towards James. “Wanker.”

Remus turned his head to meet Sirius’ eyes, one eyebrow raised. “You might not have shouted it from the tower, Pads, but I do seem to remember you making a grand announcement in the Great Hall.”

“I was a very happy man, Moonbeam, you can’t blame me for bragging; I’d managed to snare the most gorgeous man in Hogwarts.” Sirius turned to nuzzle into Remus’ neck and pressed a kiss to the soft skin.  “I think I behaved admirably by not putting an announcement in the Prophet, don’t you think?”

Remus shook his head, chuckling softly, but leaned into Sirius’ embrace more.  “I’m sure the detention you got for standing up on the table and yelling that we shagged was worth it then?”

Sirius buried his nose in Remus’ curls. “Minnie was just jealous I wasn’t available anymore, broke the poor woman’s heart after all.  Had to take out her disappointment somehow.”

“At least she just _heard_ the announcement.” Peter shuddered exaggeratedly. “I’m just glad you’ve both learned to lock a sodding door since then.”

“Consider it part of your educational experience, Wormy.” Sirius waggled his eyebrows.

“I don’t think seeing either of your hairy arses is part of the Hogwarts curriculum, Pads.” James scoffed. “Also, can you work on the silencing charms next? You’ve got the door part down, but if I have to wake up in the middle of the night one more time hearing ‘ _harder_ ’ or the noises you two make when you fuck I might off myself.”

Remus groaned, burying his head in his book.

James pointed at Moony emphatically. “Yeah, like that one!”

“Oh that’s nothing!” Peter chimed in. “I heard Sirius call Moony ‘ _Daddy_ ’ once.” He pulled a face before continuing. “I think I need to see a mind healer after that one.”

Sirius’ shoulders shook with laughter and he wrapped his arms around his mortified boyfriend tightly before winking at both Peter and James. “You’re welcome for the sex tips, boys.”

“Silencing charms, mate, use them.” Peter shook his head.

“If I promise to cast stronger charms next time, can we please stop talking about mine and Padfoot’s sex life and go back to harassing Prongs?” Remus begged. “I think my my cock is about to shrivel up and die from embarrassment”

“Oi, no talk about your cock falling off, Moonbeam, that’s one of my favorite parts of you!” Sirius teased.

Remus threw his hands up, “For fuck’s sake, change the topic!  Prongs, are you and Lily shagging yet or what?”

“Awww poor Moony is deflecting.” James laughed. “And that my _deer_ friends, is none of your business.”

Sirius nodded knowingly at Peter. “That means he’s not getting any.”

“I am not discussing my sex life with Lily with you gits!  She’s a lady, you twats.” James crossed his arms and leaned back against his headboard.

Sirius chuckled, resting his chin on Remus’ shoulder. “She might be a lady, but I know you, Prongsie, and if you had finally slept with the fair Ms. Evans you’d be bouncing off the walls and we’d all know.”

“Fine!” James huffed. “We haven’t shagged. _Yet_.  We’ve done a few things, but we haven’t slept together.  Happy now?”

“Poor Prongs, still our virginal little stag.” Sirius teased.  

“You of all people know I’m not a virgin, Padfoot!” James cried, firing a mild stinging hex at Sirius.  

Remus ignored his boyfriend’s hiss of pain at the hex and took Sirius’ wand before he could retaliate towards James. “Well that’s a funny way to phrase that, Prongs.  Why is it Sirius _of all people_  should know?”  Remus quirked a brow, his lips twitching as he fought a grin. “Pads, do you and James have a past I’m not aware of?”

“Merlin’s balls!” Peter exclaimed. “Did you and Sirius shag too?”

Remus and Sirius burst into laughter at the incredulous expression on Peter’s face and watched James’ eyes widen as he sputtered out an explanation. “No!  What the hell, Moony? I just meant that I told Sirius straight off when I had sex with Emmeline last year!”

It took a few minutes for Sirius and Remus both to stop laughing, stopping only to start again when they saw the still doubtful expression across Peter’s face and James’ indignant squawking.  When they finally recovered, Remus wiped his eyes and shrugged. “I don’t know, Prongs, you and Sirius are awfully close and you do live together outside of school.”

Sirius flipped his long hair over one shoulder and winked at James. “I know I’m hard to resist, Prongsie, but you’ll have to try to forget our one night of passion. My heart and body belong to Remus now.”

“You wanker!” James reached for his wand again only to see it floating towards Remus’ outstretched hand.

“No fair, Prongs.  I know your heart must be broken, but I won’t duel you for Sirius’ affection.” Remus teased.

Sirius waggled his eyebrows playfully. “Or my luscious arse.”

James turned to Peter whose mouth was hanging open. “Pete, you know these two idiots are only joking, right?”

Peter just looked between the other three, his mouth opening and closing several times before he finally shrugged. “I guess?”

Sirius took pity on James’ outraged expression. “We’re just teasing him, Wormy, you know how fun it is to get Prongs all riled up.  Easy too. Besides, as if I’d ever be attracted to someone with that hair.”

James narrowed his eyes at Sirius. “Poke fun at my sexuality all you want, Pads, but leave my hair out of it.”

Sirius blew him a kiss and settled back against the headboard pulling Remus against him, his fingers toying with his tawny curls.  “Now that we’ve effectively scarred Wormy for life, let’s get back to the original topic. Just how far have you gotten with Red?”

“Why does it matter?”

“It doesn’t.” Sirius admitted nonchalantly. “I’m just insatiably curious.”

James settled back on his bed, crossing one leg over the other. “I’m not telling you.”

“And why not? It’s not like we’re asking for details, mate.”

“Because it’s none of your business, Pads.” James replied. “It’s not like I ask you for details about Moony’s cock or anything of the sort.”

“And there we go back to my cock.” Remus muttered, shaking his head.

Sirius patted him on the shoulder. “It’s a glorious prick, Moon of My Life, I could write epic poetry about it’s magnificence, but we’re talking about other things now.” Sirius quirked a brow at James. “So what you’re saying is you want me to tell you all the dirty little things Moons and I get up to behind closed curtains so you’ll feel justified in sharing?”

James grimaced. “Godric no, Pads.  I’ve seen and heard plenty of the _dirty little things_ you lot get up to, thank you very much. I don’t need any further details.”

“I was merely wondering if you had deflowered your precious girlfriend, Prongsie, I didn’t need specifics so don’t get your knickers in a twist.”

“Deflowered?” James mouthed, turning to Peter. “Who the hell talks like that?”

Peter shrugged, twirling his wand between his fingers. “Padfoot apparently.”

“Well it’s not like I asked if...well any details about her _garden_ , per se.” Sirius argued.

Remus turned to face him incredulously. “Her _‘garden’_? Have you lost the plot, Pads?”

Sirius smirked, mentally embracing the euphemism before pressing a kiss to Remus’ cheek and facing James once more. “Yes, her garden.  Merlin knows I don’t give a treacle tart about _gardens_ though since I’m more of an _arborist_ myself, but it’s not like I asked if her garden was well-tended or anything.”

James looked towards the ceiling as if pleading for strength to deal with Sirius’ outrageous sense of humor. “Mate, I am definitely not talking about Lily’s garden with you.”

“My entire point was I didn’t want you to, Prongsie!” Sirius grinned, his eyes gleaming with mischief. “I like a wild greenhouse myself, not that you’re interested.”

Remus’ shoulders shook with silent laughter at his boyfriend’s antics and decided to join in the teasing when he saw the flustered look on James’ face. “I don’t know, Pads, I think a well-maintained yard is more to my tastes.”

“Well-maintained, you say?” Sirius echoed thoughtfully. “Hmm, might have to look into some landscaping then if that’s your preference.  Have to keep my Moonbeam happy after all.”

“Can we stop with the gardening euphemisms, you gits!” James cried, gesturing wildly to both Sirius and Remus. “I couldn’t care less what the state of Lily’s garden is!”

“Maybe that’s why you haven’t gotten any further with her then, Prongs.” Peter interrupted, his expression slightly confused. “I mean, I had no idea Lily was into herbology, but if her garden is important to her maybe you should care more.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” James stood up, stalking over to where Sirius and Remus had collapsed in laughter once again and grabbed his wand. “I’m sleeping in the common room tonight because you’re all insane.”

The door slammed behind him when he left and Sirius wiped the tears from his eyes as he tried to control his mirth once more. “That was probably horrible of us, wasn’t it?”

Remus clutched his stomach as his laughter quieted. “Probably, but it was also funny as hell.”

“Is Lily really an avid gardener?” Peter asked, setting his wand on his nightstand.

Sirius bit his lip and smiled fondly at his friend. “Oh, Wormy, you need to get laid.”

Peter shrugged as he settled into his bed for the night. “Maybe I should find out if Mary’s as into gardening as Lily is to up my chances.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are love. <3
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr at Jencala


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